I wondered what it would be like to be a Pain Queen, inflicting demonstrous acts with a tantalising edge. Pleasure, pain and control. Thats all well and good, however I have reservations about evil and selfish part of this practice - afterall BDSM can manifest into unnatural acts. I always thought the foundations were to facilitate the innate sexual need to be hurt in the genitals. Helps a person feel emotions when they may be trapped and desensitised by life in a world of corporate slavery.

nevertheless.... I realise that isn't ever that idealogic and that there is something sinister and its certainly not a counselling healing session....

but I do see similarities in performing Shiatsu body work. Its still about pleasure, pain and control. Inflicting pain even with a directive purpose to the body, but it works on deaper level with a healing capacity. For me, Shiatsu/Acupressure Massage will be my Artform because its about caring for others and loving the universe which is more my style.

Left and Right
Yin and Yang

We are all about opposites, everyone has an hating peptidal ego as well as a loving beautiful self. Struggling between then, attempting balance.

Meditation is the only fix this imbalance I believe....

ps. i can't believe Prince William wanted to be the governing general of Australia, we all know Prince Harry is more our style.

Peace. Love. Serenity.

I love the idea that someone gets repeatedly arrested for creating art. Spencer Tunick all over the world takes shots of nude sometimes upto thousands of naked people lying in the street.. natural embedded into the city, shows society in a whole different light. I think it was done in Melbourne too. I saw one of his peeces in a gallery in Montreal, Canada.

This guy is totally passionate about his work, and nude modelling for anyone is excellent for self-esteem and doing it in a group situation can be even more powerful. Its a theraputic experience whilst creating something beautiful. The freedom to be who you are, without clothes, comfortable in your own skin.

Fearlessness is inspiring..... its freedom.

I must get back to writing Government Selection Reports..... i'm distracted working from home. its difficult.

Signing off.......

does anyone know if these gigs are sold out as yet?

India is one of those place you can't forget. Even though you may try to. It just won't happen. It ingrained this essence of what life is that you take with you wherever you are. Its never a good thing to admit you have made the same mistakes over and over. I think its better to have realized than never to have I love myself enough not to date men that want attachment and greed. Mainly on my time. What is it to them? Its MY time, my life.... why can' they be contented with their own, with or without me in it. I should just be icing on the cake for them. not their sustenance at meal times. Those provisions should be their responsibility.

www.bugbitten.com/tamantula is officially the website with a few of my photos, perhaps I'll upload some more.

I sit here with crushes arms length and immobile. For someone as active and energetic as me, its killing me. Why did this happen? A boy violently pushed me because he didn't want to leave me at my place after 'catching' me enjoying kissing another man. This is domestic violence. I have been subjected to. I've become a statistic. All those Federal Govt adverts "Australia said No". Its a fine line between abuse because its warranted or that you just needed to feel better by hitting someone to release ones frustration. I for one am glad I am a female because I wouldn't want that on my conscious if it accidently happened.

Osho sys that "The person who is too concerned, attached, will fulfill the ego demands - that means you are poisoning your beloved" Ever felt like your in a toxic relationship? well thats the answer right now.

anyways... I am finally writing my book and pretty well on my way to completing it. Thats if I get my arse down to internet cafe's regularly on the weekend to do this. Three monologues, three women - honestly confronting their sexual desires and spiritual quests in understanding that you don't need one person to make you satisfied in either of these areas. A person around is nice to have around. This is is. No need to fantastise about how wondeful it is to have a person in your life as your own. You don't own them. Do you want them to own you?

I will sign off by saying this...... God is Love. Love is not attachment or marriage or arrangements with a person so that they can't be free to do as they please to make them happy.

I hope you, out there, learn this lesson without having to be a cripple for a week, like I have.

xx Tam

The ever evolving life that is mine.... as just kept on evolving.

Just got back from Sydney, even tho the entire trip was paid for, the company *of who paid* could have been better, and less annoying. But the less said about that the better as it only magnifies my inability to be granted with successful initmate relationships.

I did a truly dumbarse thing and contacted a couple of my ex's around this time, both pre and post Sydney..... and it got me thinking. I'm definitely focusing on my love life far too much, which is why its likely that it moves into a dismal failing.

I got a new job today. I'm tired of this present company not granting me what I want. Im bored and demotivated. This new job I have my own department with targets and commission. And its just down the road from my living arrangements. :)

So its the single life for me, until further notice.

Too roo crew...... until next time, perhaps not entirely as long as last entry.

Hey all,

Landed safe and sound in the chillier side of the country. I have been spending some quality time with Alexa and Melissa, its been great to catch up with the both of them and their hospitality is greatly appreciated.

I've had one shoot with Alexa so far and the photos have turned out really great, hopefully tonight we'll do another shoot...... Might post up a few of the best ones here at some stage.

Today I wandered around Fitzroy and realised that I found my home. :) Everything from BDSM shops to really good quality second hand shops. and yes their were bargains to be found and taken advantage of.

I have a rather large weekend planned with The Crystal Method and DJ Dexter and then I'll be staying with my cousin from Sunday onwards for a few days. should be interesting..... it always is with her.

This monday night there is a sauna party for girls only, where attire is optional :) :)

Tonight I was happy to be in possession of a leather jacket, it does get cold. its true. but I haven't seen any huge weather changes. Maybe I've been lucky.

Hope all is well with everyone.... I'll keep you updated.

Tam

Trapped in my room, as I look around I realise how messy it is. Not a very good environment to be productive I suspect.

Its all going to be over in 3 days. then I can get on with the next stage of my life. VERY exciting.

Hrmmm nothing really too report. Just stressed.... :( trying to study and get my report in by tomorrow is gonig to be a bitch. My motivation levels should be higher.

Hope all is good with everyone.

Tam

Greetings to those that are special enough that read this magnificent piece of literature.

Ok, I'll admit it. I'm deeply smitten. Its amazing how one person can change your outlook on things. Oh boy... what a rush.

I found myself yet another avenue to bring me the happiness that I have been experiencng. A full body black spiderweb patterned body suit. Is it sexy you ask???? hell yeah.... ;) also accompanying this purchase is fishnet stockings that I will be wearing inappropriatly with a smug devilish pleasure.

So I just wanted to inform the world of my happiness. despite, being fired recetly, despite having exams and a project due, despite living in perth and despite being sickly.

That is all.

:)

You are He-Man from Masters of the Universe! You
take life very seriously, and you should,
considering you are the keeper of all that is
good and right in the universe! However, your
nonstop suspicion of Skeletor and his henchman
can start your friends wondering why you don't
loosen up once in awhile.


Which Forgotten 80s Cartoon Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


hahaha for all you 80's toy loving people.

hehe. I went out on a blind date on Friday night. My friend who set it up told me that he was deaf in one ear and that he is very sensitive about it.

I'm sceptical. As you are.

And it turns out, he was gorgeous. I couldn't believe my eyes actually. Best of all, we got on REALLY well and talked all night til 1.30am. Even tho the both of us needed to get up in the morning.

Last night I went out to Salsa and made a special trip into NB to hook up with this said boy. he asked if I was deaf in one ear. and I'm like WHAT no? So bloody Sami has told both of us the same thing.

I was a little tipsy. and I think I may have hugged him alot hahah.

So, we went back to his place. And we sat up talking till 7am..... crazy crazy.

Its all very nice. I guess I'm a little smitten I suppose. He's from Chile and he has SUCH a sexy accent. But to boot, hes a really sensitive, generous, kind, genuine guy.

Its kinda bad, because I've been seeing/getting to know a lesbian girl that I've known for a while.... but I don't think that will work out. I guess a bisexuals conundrum... I have two people in my life. Different sex, but different person. And my choice is simply about the person not the body.

Things are looking up.
____________________________________________________________________________________

Did that www.colorgenics.com test, results are:

The Crossroads
This is the inviting and welcoming personality type that is most well known for recreational activities and general partying. Always happy in a crowd, the Crossroads love to converse, to relate, and above all to have fun.

This personality tends to think in a more holistic approach than many of the other personality types, covering ground piece by piece in a hodgepodge fashion rather than following a single line of logic from beginning to end. Like a crow they are attracted to shiny objects, new ideas, playful exciting colors and the thrill of a new personal relationship.

____________________________________________________________________________________

As for Gay Rights in our present patriachal fucked up society. I suppose. its up to us. to stand up against it. to fight for it. And I intend to. As soon as I finish my degree. because its fucked. i can't believe our government will ban marriages that AREN"T harming anyone and its simply another avenue of control and submit.

Wellll.... I've never been the submitting type. So.... watch me fly as I ensure our society changes their views and rise up against being controlled. Someday. I might not see the products of my labours now. but in 10 years after my death.... there might be.

Take care.... I'm working hard on uni.... :)

xx Tam

Well everybody,

Today signifies a momentous occasion. I lost my job. "Its not working out" they say. But trust me, the feeling is mutual. This position was becoming the bain of my existance. And I'm not looking back.

I did learn, that incompetant business managers make stupid decisions. Including; hiring someone inexperienced to run your business for inexpensive reasons, not hiring based on the candidate knowing what to expect, managing new employee from afar ie. not in the office and assuming the new employee knows exactly what the job entails without any knowledge imparted to them.

The bottom line is. They didn't know what they wanted from the person; being me.... More importantly. Finding someone dynamic to run their business, whilst being stuck in an office on their own, who is cheap due to youth and inexperience..... is not a good bet folks. So, what are they going to do. Find an secretary. yes that will do nicely. *sarcasm*. They will be right back where they started. I actually told them that perhaps employing someone with Office Managerial experience would be a better idea. But they didn't like that idea. Naturally. they can't be told. or don't want to be told.

So, lets recap the last 4 weeks the following major events have ensued that are associated with major lifestyle changes:

1. Moved into Mt Lawley place
2. Broke up with my boyfriend
3. Lost my job

Even though all this has occured. I am smiling. Yes smiling. Smiling at the face of adversity... my resiliance astounds even me. A fresh slate. to do WHATEVER I want.

More importantly, I have 3 weeks of uni to go and I can soley focus on that and look after myself in the process.

Looks like there isn't anything keeping me in Perth now. So moving to Melbourne is definitely feasible for August this year. But I'm not making any definite decisions until Uni is over.

I bid you a farewell..... may this find you in good health and fortune.

xx Tam

Greetings ya'll.... a seemingly common welcome I tend to use frequently. Should choose a new one I suspect.

Work is productive. which is a nice feeling.

My boy and i have decided to take a step back and still see each other. Take the intensity from the relationship, just to see how it goes. Whereas before I was banking on it being a long-term awesome thing. Now its just about "seeing what happens". which is much more healthier.

I just think it was brash and bold of me to just ditch him for one weekend that had many external factors.

I'm meeting this irish guy i have a sorta thing with on Sunday night. I'm so entirely curious to see him again. Sure, things will be so different. We'll see.

Nothing really much more to report. except for this weekend is going to be sooooo big. Which is good. because I haven't been very social for the last month. which is entirely sad.

Take care everyone... keep me posted.

Tam

So so tired. So much moving and emotional upheavalf for one weekend.

I hate it when things are so good at the start in a relationship and then it changes. I always knew he was hiding something. I should have been smarter in identifying that. Funnily, I'm extremely impatient, when it comes to relationships I am not.

I don't know where to go from here.

Far too much change at the moment. Don't know what to do with myself.

Hope the new living arrangements goes well. I'm happy to be living with people that enjoy life and do more that sit home over the weekend.

Take care, ya'll... I'll keep you posted. Think of me in my stressing glory. I find myself more amusing. on numerous occasions.

x Tam

It marks a momentous occasion that I.... am moving out. again.

This time, I'm moving to a suburb that I have been dieing to live for a long time. Mt Lawley. my flatmates consist of a lesbian couple. Whom I clicked with both of them instantly on the phone and I had a really good feeling about the whole arrangement.

I move out next weekend. Out of the boring dull life that is Vic Park into the vibrant arty alternative Mt Lawley.

Perhaps, it will help me with my pangs of wanting to be in Melbourne for a little while until I'm ready to do the moving and the leaving.

Quite disturbed as I was going through my finances I realised that my work has been underpaying me for the last 2 months. I wrote an email disputing this and asking for her to investigate it further. If I'm right about this. I have almost $1000 owing to me. that's going to be mighty helpful upon moving out next week.

It actually angers me that they haven't been very careful with pays. I find this business does a slap dash job of it. Doing things quickly isn't the best way to do things IMO. Being slower and more accurate is. Which is why I've taken longer than they've expected to get systems up and running. Why?? because I want them to be right and not hinder the process in the future. so putting a bit of thought into it. is always a good idea.

I think Melissa was right when she inferred that working in a big business is the best idea. Well I tend to agree with her. Small businesses are just as frustrating.

A REALLY GOOD NOTE, associated with work, is that I just got my first business opportunity come through, and its quite huge. if we get the business, I'm contemplating asking for a small contribution/commission. We're talking 3 positions with 4 year contracts. So its pretty good. This was attained through my personal contact.

Its a good feeling. bringing in business... I have to admit. But the one thing I've learnt is that its all about networking and building relationships in order to get and keep business. Which is pretty cool I think.

Take care, not too much else to report. Just very busy, so I apologise if I've been quiet to friends recently. Thanks for your support.

xx Tam

It so happens that motivation is something that isn't one of those things that is produced. If I could bottle motivation, I would.

I had another business idea, but I know it won't work. Opening up a video store that held alternative, arty and foreign films. Also, these video's would be difficult to source anywhere else and potentially sourced overseas. Its a great idea, but not viable monetarily I don't think.

I like the chase and the challenge of not getting what I'm after. Which is why I think sales and marketing is compatible to me. However, its what I'm selling that would make the job perfect.

What else..... I really don't like being in Perth. I'm hoping that my new share house that I'm in the process of hunting down is fun and offers more than a flatmate that is boring and never goes out.

It would help being close to a pub or a place that I could just walk to a cafe that I loved.... and sit and read my book. you konw? tha was be awesome.

This year, 2004. is a time of new awakenings and new beginnings in its rawest form. its quite extraordinary. and exciting. may it never stop.

Take care everybody....

x Tam

This morning I dropped in my car and greeted with the burden that it would cost $950 to fix. As I strolled out the front door..... a group of aboriginal men decided they liked my figure and started leering at me.

so, not a nice way to start the morning. I could think of better ways. ;)

Not much to report. Same old same old. I guess I've become quite productive and its a semi-good feeling. I think I hold onto dreams of getting away from Perth. That's what's getting me through.

I have to move out yet again in a month. My goodness I move alot. :)

That's really all.... I'm ok... glad I'm healthy, can't say that about other people suffering the weather changes.

Take care x Tam

I suppose interesting thoughts slide through your mind when you're sleep has been deprived from you.

Totally worth it though. Melissa and myself have transpired in much talking. The kind of talking that is of a delicate naughty nature. And that's just fine with me.

Today I wrote my ex a letter about how he may have *man* problems!!

Letter is as follows:

"This is so difficult. My intentions are to do the right thing I promise you. Please read this article http://www.emedicine.com/PED/topic1118.htm.

Please don't get offended, think of me as a concerned stranger if you will. Its just that I was talking with my doctor friend who knows an AWFUL lot about hormones and discussed various issues, a few of which traced back to you.

Signs that you may have abnormally low testosterone levels:

- Lack of body hair ie. facial hair

- Sex drive/libido and erectile issues ie. difficulty with ejaculating

- Disproportionate long arms/legs

- Depression

I could be misguided, however I suggest you go to a doctor and test your testosterone levels as I suspect they are abnormally low. If I'm right about this, I might have saved you from serious future health issues.

Please put everything between us aside. The reason I'm doing this is that when I was very young a complete stranger suggested I had a hip displacement and that meant that I can walk today. Sometimes you need an outsider to notice abnormalities.

I’m sorry for bothering you, should I be seriously misguided. But I really don't want to take the risk as the time to write a 3 minute letter to someone that might save their health/life.

Your asking yourself why am I telling you this when you could find out for yourself later in life???? Well because time is of the essence. The longer you wait the worse off you may be.

Hope all is well. This isn't meant to scare you. Now its off my chest . The ball is out of my court. I can sleep at night."

As you can see it was quite poliet. In anycase, he basically replied detailing his sexual performance justifying each point in graphic detail about his sexual performance to prove he has a libido. And it dawned on me him frankly discussing his sexual performance actually disgusted me!!!

My response "Next time a thank you for your concern would suffice!!"

I shouldn't be suprised how he reacted. It was typical. Shame, I'm always so let down when things are so predictable. Realising that you dated a pre-pubescent boy is definitely a good way to look back and think, what was I *thinking*

Sad that Melissa and Alexa are leaving, however its an extra motivation for me to move to Melbourne. Hopefully my boy, John, can make it with me. He definitely needs to come out of that beautiful shell of his.

Take care ya'll

Perhaps it’s dangerous to fall in love.
Perhaps you’d think that lessons are learnt the first few times.
Perhaps melancholy is to be enjoyed.
Perhaps hedonists seek pleasure and I feel the same way about sorrow.
Perhaps I find people that I can adore whom I know will damage me.
Perhaps being despondent to this world is the only way to be.
Perhaps living for pain and being free is far better than being ruled by pleasure.
Perhaps the domination of your own private circle is exhilarating.
Perhaps it’s the understanding of grief that truly subjects you to feeling.
Perhaps broken people are the most captivating people.
Perhaps injuring others is doing them a favour
Perhaps power is the ultimate vehicle for pain.
Perhaps you can’t feel love or beauty without anguish
Perhaps desire makes you weak and pain makes you tender
Perhaps I’m right.

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Let me know what ya'll think.

nice to have time off around Easter. I tells you what. However, I have still been burning the candle at both ends.

last night went to blood sugar at Ambar. I was going to drop in to sin around 2am, and then the music started to get REALLY good. Left at around 4.30am, as this guy was weirding me out by staring and smiling like a fool at me all night. bah. then as I left the club this guy comes up to me... in my personal space and says, "I'm infatuated by your dance moves".....should he have been a good looking boy/girl. I would be flattered. however he was a scary looking fella and I didn't know how to react.... ahhhh .... I was a bit speechless actually heh.

People are definitely less appealing as I realise the difference 'e' bring out in people. Happy that I can have a mint time without taking it. Experiencing those that are on it is a bit scary sometimes. I have to admit. Interesting change of perspectives I must admit.

It itches to stand still, craving the next arrival.
When you leave, I want desperately to come with you.
Seeking adventure, new faces, fresh challenges.
Being settled loses its appeal as I grow older.
Shall I bring you with me?
Only, if you can never being satisfied in any one place for long.
Give me one reason to leave. Just one. And I will go without a fight.
Welcome to my new home. Have a pleasant stay. As staying is all that will be.
Meeting and leaving people is my course.
Staying and grazing is my life.
Don’t take pity on a gypsy. They’re bold enough to do what you only dream of.
Excited by planes, trains and automobiles.
Vehicles for those delectable comings and goings.
Do you wish to join me?
Only, you may not be built for this kind of thing.
Material possessions and familiar surroundings you can no longer feed upon.
These meaningless things are replaced with a shiny and new aura
Free of disappointments in those that should give you the time of day.
Opportunity to find new meanings to life.
You’re attachment to comfort and rejecting disturbances.
Will keep you here indefinitely.
and in turn be prepared to be left behind.
____________________________________________________________________________________


I'm tired of everyone that I get close to. leaving me. potential lovers, current partners, close friends. They all do. I'm sensitive, because I'm the one that wants to be leaving. its a jealously thing. or is it that those that I attract have that inner gypsey spirit as I do. As I know its in my nature. its always been who I am. Right from when I was a small baby and slept in a suitcase because I wanted to. not for being without a bed.

Where do I want to go next.....??

anywhere but here.

somewhere exotic.

somewhere different.

Easter is coming. Perhaps its Easter that does funny things to people. In any case. its going to be a time for rest and preparation for the next half of this semester of university. I wish I could say I'm enjoying the experience of being at university. sadly, it stops me from doing what I actually want to do.

I bid you farewell... may this find you well and full of energy.